The Good, The Bad, and the Unknown

The Good: MRI came back negative.  No changes compared to last April's scan (re: lesions), though I have not seen the full MRI report with my own eyes, as yet.  Not MS.

The Bad: An inner ear issue seems most likely with issuance of an Ear Nose Throat (ENT) specialist referral.  No appointment has yet been made due to the holidays, but I hope to have more knowledge of what might be going on in my head as soon as I can.  In the meantime, symptoms have improved some, but worsened in others.  Concentration appears to be a large catalyst - the harder I concentrate, the worse things get.  If I didn't know any better, I'd suspect my wife gave me a concussion in my sleep for snoring too loudly (not that I'd blame her based on how loud I've heard my son snore!).  In the meantime, I have more time to scour my text books and the internet for more information on the vestibular system and the inner ear.  Surely that's what my ENT will want to hear.  "So I read on the internet that..."   Ha!

The Unknown: The result, in the meantime, is more unknown.  Those facing the potential MS ("You might have something called Multiple Sclerosis"), often go through a lengthy period of time until that diagnosis materializes into reality ("You have MS").  As strange as it may sound, relief sometimes becomes the descriptor people atribute to the day they become diagnosed.  What they will face for the rest of their lives, however unclear that future may be, now at least has a name.  Some portion of their future has become Known.  And with that knowledge comes a little peace.  Certainly that was the case for me.  No matter what the future would bring, I could better steel myself for it once that Unknown ("might") became Known ("have").  

This confrontation with yet another Unknown has spun me into one of Dr Seuss' eloquently named Slumps.  And as he notes in Oh the Places You'll Go, "Unslumping yourself is not easily done."

Enter my coach, Karen Smyers.  I basically described where I was with relation to training, including a general inability to mentally get my head around where I needed to be in preparation for Ironman Lanzarote.  She has an amazing knack for saying the right words at the right time.  That's one of the big reasons I've worked with her for over a decade now.  In her words: 

"The unknown in all of this has to be draining and take a toll on you physically as well as psychologically.  So recognize that this will happen and it is OK to have down periods once in a while."

Until I had read that, I never realized how much it had taken a toll on me - I briefly burst into tears after someone had given me permission to self-acknowledge the source of my Slump: this focus on the Unknown.  For optimal fitness raining, you train at the level you are at.  That enables you to make advances in fitness and get to where you want to be.  Training where you want to be, on the other hand, tends to get you hurt or burnt out.  Be where you're at.  I had taken this mentality with my disease and (mostly) with my exercise: "control the controllables." My fitness, my balance, my diet, my sleep (mostly), my mental aptitude - great chess game today, Dad!  Maybe I'll get you next time.

But that's all one can do.  As I get more information (from my ENT visit, for example), I may find that I have more specific things to focus on to optimize where I'm at.  But in the meantime, focus on the Unknown only leads to the Slump.  Focus on the Known gets you out of the Slump.

Go on:  Unslump yourself.  I triple-dog-dare you.  (Yes it's the Holidays).

Happy Holidays.  Mine are getting a lot better, even if my symptoms aren't.  Thanks, Coach.