Yes, Holiday time has arrived, and with it comes the realization that family really does mean a lot. Sometimes I need reminders, but this year, much of my family and my wife's family made the journey to the Pacific Northwest, where the Portland Ramsey's hosted Thanksgiving. It was a hectic, but wonderful, week.
But shortly before the holiday, I had started having some vertigo issues. Being a PT, I self diagnosed myself with BPPV (Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo), a generally self-limiting cause of the room spinning. Some self-treatment (it's good to be a PT, if I haven't mentioned that before) and some time later, and I was feeling much better.
Feeling pretty good even, until I woke last Friday. Something had changed overnight. The room no longer spun, but dizziness pervaded my existence. Not BPPV. Driving took an enourmous amount of concentration to keep things in focus - literally. My vision continually wanted to go out of focus - as if I'd had a bit too much to drink (and while it certainly was after noon somewhere on the planet, I had not been nipping at the flask). I suppose fortunately, it had snowed here in Portland - something of a rarity, and Portlanders have no clue how to drive in the snow, so traffic crawled along. My normal commute of 45' (leave home, drop Mattias at school, and get to work) took me 90' instead. All of 20 miles.
This issue continued through the day. I arranged a visit with a optometrist, which was long-overdue anyway, for the following Monday, and hoped I had a detached retina. Yes, this sounds strange, and not simply because such a diagnosis wouldn't account for the dizziness. But I want it to not be MS. Anything but the MS.
I went for a run later in the day, and strained a calf. A long-planned Guy's Night (first since sometime last spring) was put off due to a combination of unexpected travel and the weather.
A trifecta of Crappy Things to Happen on a Friday struck, and I found myself in the immature reaction of deciding it was, afterall, after noon where I stood, and proceeded to crawl into - and through - a bottle of wine. Not a good decision, but the one that decided upon.
I now sit here typing a few days later, after having a normal eye exam with my optometrist, but an abnormal neurology exam today with an MRI of the brain scheduled for Friday. My 8th since 2008. If it's MS, that's probably the end of it for now - wait and see what happens. If it's not MS, then something has simply "gone wrong" with my vestibular system, and we will deal with that at that point, starting with an Ear / Nose / Throat (ENT) specialist assessment, and while vestibular system is not my area of specialty, I do know the long-term prognoses are "improved" rather than "cured".
Today, I have had a(nother) Sobering Moment. I have spent a lot of time under the impression that I, really, have no idea how long I have left to function "optimally." And while I know that I am not optimal anymore, I also realize that I really have no complaints about it, either. I have had a realtively benign course of MS. Sitting here now, my eyes tired from the strain of maintaining focus on a computer screen for this duration, I have realized that something as simple as a vestibular attack may take so much away. I do not feel comfortable getting on a bike outside right now. I am forced to be much more conscious about my driving. I am much more conscious about chopping vegetables. I enjoyed racing my boy up to bed, and then regretted doing so from the queasy stomach that followed. I have needed 10-15hrs of sleep per day for the last week. I have another damn MRI on Friday. I am unsure of whether to hope for an MS attack or vestibular dysfunction. No-win scenarios suck.
Mostly it occurred to me that MS is a disease that doesn't need to completely debilitate you to take away your ability to enjoy life. It just has to hit one or two key systems. You take away my balance, and you take away my sport - and potentnially all aspects of each individual sport within triathlon. It just has to take away something I take for granted: knowing which way is up.
And so I appreciate those who bear this disease with me - my family - all the more. I wish for more time and energy to figure out how to show them, but it may need to wait for another time. MS, or whatever this is, might win this round. But with their unending support (and I love them dearly for it), some determination, and some grit, I'll make it to the bell, take a rest, and attack in the next round.
That's just all I can do: Keep on Keepin' On. Hug your family, hug your spouse, hug your children, hug your parents. Hug those who help you. They make it bearable. Even when we sometimes forget. Hang some mistletoe.
Thank you to all of my family, but most especially to Micha and Mattias. You bear the brunt of this with me. I do not envy you.
And that's my new sign-off:
Keep on keepin' on
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