Quite a bit of time has passed since my last post. I am fairly regularly surprised to hear that folks I know (and some I don't) actually read my blog, and some are inspired by it. Will wonders never cease? Thank you for reading. I'm glad I can inspire.
Quite a bit of reflecion and soul-searching has taken place since my last post. The following post represents the time period between December 2013 and February 2014. More posts will follow. I'm afraid they may be less than inspirational. However the reality is that many of us - with MS and without MS - deal with some of the topics below on a daily basis. We usually just don't like to admit it to anyone - possibly even ourselves.
It has not been a fun few months.
Winston Churchill, made famous through his words, war, and drink, also seemingly struggled against bi-polar disorder. A condition characterized by dramatic, pendular mood swings ranging between highly energetic, manic phases to disparaging depression. Churchill referred to his depressive side as his “Black Dog”, harassing him through much of his life. It fascinates me that someone could earn a hallowed alcove in the Hall of Fame for World Historical Figures in the face of such a condition.
I suppose it should console me to find myself in such good historical company. But it’s not. Incomprehension of the catalyst impelling me on my journey doesn’t alter that I have, somehow, returned to my detested Foggy Wood. My brain has turned murky. A place where concentration yields headaches, maintaining a thought remains short-lived, and the ability to recall the appropriate word dubious. And my fatigue - the damnable fatigue - has become overwhelmingly ubiquitous; I am drained of energy, let alone motivation for anything and everything. Something in my mind changed along with my vision that Friday early last December.
Things there have finally begun to clear some. Now my eyes play tricks on me primarily when fatigued, when it’s foggy or rainy, or when I concentrate hard. When this happens, I’m reminded of when I took a ride in a high performance bi-plane in 2003. Rolling and banking through G-forces I have never otherwise experienced found me audibly grunting (between laughter) to keep my head as clear as possible. Now I occasionally find myself swearing and grunting when driving. I’m not afraid of losing control of my vehicle, nor worried that I’ll have an accident so much as feeling like my eyes want to focus on a point not quite the same as the one I’d like: very close, but not quite it. Watch through your rear-view mirror on a rough road, with the world easily decipherable, but not quite in focus as the mirror bounces around a bit - your eyes always playing catch-up. The world doesn’t move like that in my eyes, but the sense of inability to focus is similar.
All tests thus far continue to come back unremarkable. MRI: unchanged from last February. Optometry assessment: near perfect, right a little worse than the left, but time for low-power progressive lenses (hello 40’s!). Neurologist: probably vestibular issue. Ear Nose Throat MD: unremarkable (clinical) vestibular test, hearing almost normal, slightly diminished in the left - but generally, unremarkable. Blood work: pretty much normal. Low testosterone. OK, treating that. Otherwise I’m theoretically healthy as a horse. Full vestibular workup (“tilt-a-whirl”) and neurophthalmology appointments scheduled in March. Personally, I have begun to consider psychosomatic sources. I’ve tried to convince myself that what I’m experiencing in my head as I drive into work each day really exists only there: in my head. “I believe it’s in my head. I believe it’s in my head. I know it’s in my head.” I wish I could say it helped. Mabye I just don't believe it enough.
My wife requested on multiple occasions that I consider going back on antidepressents. Then one day she (nicely) insited. I could no longer disagree with her - the time had come, even if I was too stubborn to admit it. That little pill and I stared at each other for a long time before it passed my lips.
I think my mood has improved, but my vision issue it remains. Regardless of what the tests and MD’s otherwise indicate, something is most definitely wrong. I’m exhausted, and yet I cannot sleep. I am not motivated to train. Strike that, I do not even want to exercise. I am restless, and uninspired. Listless, I sit and wander the well-trodden pathways in my Foggy Wood.
The introspection continues.
Good Night.
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